Let's Talk About Sex.

Have you heard about this book, 365 Nights? It’s about a woman who gave her husband, for his fortieth birthday, the “gift” of sex every night for an entire year. FYI, it’s not a novel. It’s non-fiction. As in, there really is an actual woman - with children – who had sex with her husband every single night for an entire year. When I first heard about it, my immediate reaction was oh, God, I hope my husband doesn’t hear about this. I mean, I adore my husband, but sex every night for a year is not on the short list of things I might give him for his birthday. Or ever. But then I read an article about the book in the Style section of the New York Times, and I just couldn’t resist. I had to show it to him. Look at this, I said, in my most pretend nonchalant voice ever. Some woman had sex with her husband every night for a year, and she wrote a book about it. With even more pretend nonchalance than I had feigned, he took the paper from my hand and read the article. When he finished, he handed it back and avoided making eye contact. That’s interesting, he said. It is interesting, I said back. Then he asked if I thought we should try it, and I said no. Actually, what I think I said was, hell, no, just thinking about it makes me tired.

 

But it did get me thinking. Let’s assume that I didn’t have two kids and a job and a household and a million things racing through my head every single night, let alone a six year old with a habit of sleepwalking into my room at the precise moment that I get into bed and turn off the lights. Even then, would I want to have sex with my husband every single day? Would I want to be a Post Office of sex, delivering the goods through sleet and snow, rain or shine, headaches, cramps, periods, bad moods, I-feel-fat days or just general crankiness? Ummmmm, no, not so much. For me, I want to have sex with my husband because I want to have sex, not because I am contractually obligated to do so. I mean, if we had to have sex every day, no matter what, I think I might start to resent him, even if it was my stupid birthday present idea in the first place. Which is not to say that I wouldn’t necessarily have sex with my husband every day for a year. I mean, if an entire year just happened to be filled with good, I’m-in-the-mood-for-sex kind of days, then sure, why not? Probably, that would be the same year that every day was filled with winning lottery tickets delivered to my doorstep by extremely hot guys riding bareback on unicorns. But hey, you never know.

 

fittmom
08.11.09

I'm glad I found this post, because right now...I'm so angry with my husband, I can barely see straight. He wanted sex this morning. I didn't...He wants sex EVERY SINGLE day....I don't. I think for him it's like brushing his teeth. I enjoy sex, but after 23 years, I'm like...let's just cool it with the 24/7 desire train. The only reprieve I ever get is if I'm on my period, and you know what? I'm tired of it and of feeling like I have to do it every day.

So..also I found that he watches porn pretty much every day. It costs 11.99 or 14.99 and that makes our cable bill $500 per month. He watches it when he goes to bed, or early in the morning...To be totally honest...I stopped sleeping in our bedroom years ago because he would wake me up in the middle of the night and then again in the morning. I WISH I had a matching sex drive, but I don't...

He drinks EVERY single night. 6 or more heavy beers, then he starts to oogle me and I've had to tell him...STOP...I will NOT have sex with you when you've been drinking so just don't even go there.

This morning, because I didn't want to have sex, he gave me the cold shoulder..This is the first time in 9 days straight of having sex. I'm so over the manipulation, the pettiness and the selfishness. Sometimes I just want out. We have 2 teens and I know that I should just leave, but the kernel of truth is...I do love him..still...Very ridiculous!

Thanks for letting me vent.

RomanZeus
06.01.09

Long live the (extramarital) lovers.... they keep a man's need for sex alive and the peace at home :))) (Alas, if you do not fall in love...) !!! :))))))

sarahjane
01.07.09

Marriage can survive without sex but only if both partners agree. You have to communicate your feelings, your needs and your desires. If you don't, he will feel rejected and unloved - whether or not that is the case. You can relieve his necessities without having to be too involved, if you understand me! If you can't bring yourself to do that, then you have to question your commitment. If you're not attracted to him any more you have to try to analyse what has changed - is it his dress sense, his body shape, his attitudes or is it you that has changed? Try and do something together -dance class, walking, swimming, gym class, cake-making, anything to try and get your feelings back (and his, of course).

Divorce is horrible and has such a bad effect on children that it should not even be in your vocabulary. You have made a promise to stay together for better or worse, and this is the "worse" bit.

Good luck!

crazy1414
01.04.09

I am sooooo glad to find this discussion happening! I am struggling terribly with this. According to my husband we haven't had sex in two months - yes, he keeps track - I don't. I so rarely want sex for a while I thought it was a medical problem. Then I looked deeper and realized that I am not all that attracted to my husband anymore - though I love him dearly and can't imagine life without him. It feels very unfair to him that he can't get the intimacy he wants/needs (and yes, it always has to be sex even when he claims it doesn't). But it feels like such a burden for me to get excited when he's excited.
Can one survive a sexless marriage? How long before he has an affair? Am I supposed to force it or fake it to meet his needs? Am I being selfish if don't and not holding up my end of the relationship bargain? Just how hard is it to survive a divorce with two kids?

jemi15
12.30.08

If it were up to me, my husband would wake me up if I was asleep; The kids would be in bed; and we would have mind blowing sex!!! However, we live in the real world and I have a much more active libido than he does. We try to make time for each other but really, who has the time at the same time???

ldesilet
09.29.08

I would consider this request if he would consider giving me a foot massage or back massage (without the 'reach around') everyday for an entire year... but then our daughter would have to go to bed around... I don't know.. 6 pm! and we would have to stay up past midnight in order to fit all this birthday business in. I can't commit to that.

HipMom
09.10.08

Are you kidding me? I would love if my husband would give me that present. 365 days of sex - minus 3 days a month, perhaps, but still. I know, I am a rare case where the wife has a stronger libido than the husband. It could be because I am Italian, I think. But it doesn't stop being annoying and occasionally embarassing.

sarahjane
09.03.08

Unfortunately not. It's one reason why the oldest business in the world has been around so long - it takes care of a man's needs without him having to give commitment....

itssarawithnoh
09.03.08

So marriage vows don't mean anything when the cupboard is bare?

sarahjane
09.01.08

Don't forget the old saying: If your man is hungry and the cupboard is bare, he'll go out to eat.