May I Offer a Suggestion?

by Stefanie Wilder-Taylor

 

Every year people with very good intentions sit down and type out a list of New Year’s resolutions, usually consisting of some lofty goals like I will never touch fast food again or I will whip those saddle bags into shape or I will be a more patient parent. There’s a reason that most people’s resolutions have been broken by January 2nd- they’re too unreasonable!

 

I used to be one of you. I would have a self-improvement agenda a mile long (hey, I may come off as self-assured but believe you me I am enormously aware of my imperfections). Every year I’d attempt to conquer myself only to fair miserably thus making me feel even worse about myself. This is no way to live! So this year, especially since I’ve already eliminated drinking, I’ve decided to cut myself some slack and just sort of give myself some “suggestions” which I believe, if followed could lead to personal greatness, but if not followed, well…no biggie.

 

* Stop believing every ad for miracle wrinkle creams that work as well as Botox. With all the money I save I can get more Botox!

 

* Try harder to stop after the second bowl of low-fat granola. Memo to self: Once you’re on the third bowl, it’s no longer a healthy snack.

 

* At least once, give husband oral pleasures without waiting to be asked.

 

* Don’t put any more money into my online poker account unless I am really feeling lucky.

 

* No more buying US Weekly and People at the same time no matter how great the covers look. They are redundant.

 

* Your daughter has enough Barbie dolls.

 

* Drink at least three glasses of water a day (don’t judge, this would actually be an improvement)

 

* (re: above “suggestion”: Diet Cherry Dr. Pepper doesn’t count as water)

 

* Before my next Target run, ask myself “Do I really need anything?”

 

* Really show off current musical knowledge by learning to distinguish between David Cook and Daughtry instead of just referring to them both as “that American Idol dude.”

 

* Use less toilet paper.

 

* Stay more on top of my little mustache problem.

 

* Know my coffee limits. One cup is nice, one and half I’m getting shit done, two I’m a raging bitch.

 

* Besides my husband’s and children’s try to remember at least one other person’s birthday this year.

mandalyn74
01.08.10

Actually though, according to Weight Watchers, you can count one diet soda as one glass of water a day. You just can't get all your water that way :-)

msheryle
01.07.10

Can relate to the 'stache' issue. My resolution is to get meds for the night sweats. Done today, hope it works.

angstmom
01.06.10

O.k. Stef...your list is hilarious. And I relate WAY too much! Especially to the toilet paper and vicodin And Us Weekly and People. And Botox...it's the only thing that works!

db
01.05.10

I set expectations of myself low this year ... my resolution is to clean the toaster crumb tray. (New toaster that is. Old one caught on fire on my countertop because ... well, you get the point!) ~db

vicki7178
01.05.10

I love the Target one, so true!
Sometimes I go there and actually forget what I came for in the first place.