May I Offer a Suggestion?
by Stefanie Wilder-Taylor
Every year people with very good intentions sit down and type out a list of New Year’s resolutions, usually consisting of some lofty goals like I will never touch fast food again or I will whip those saddle bags into shape or I will be a more patient parent. There’s a reason that most people’s resolutions have been broken by January 2nd- they’re too unreasonable!
I used to be one of you. I would have a self-improvement agenda a mile long (hey, I may come off as self-assured but believe you me I am enormously aware of my imperfections). Every year I’d attempt to conquer myself only to fair miserably thus making me feel even worse about myself. This is no way to live! So this year, especially since I’ve already eliminated drinking, I’ve decided to cut myself some slack and just sort of give myself some “suggestions” which I believe, if followed could lead to personal greatness, but if not followed, well…no biggie.
* Stop believing every ad for miracle wrinkle creams that work as well as Botox. With all the money I save I can get more Botox!
* Try harder to stop after the second bowl of low-fat granola. Memo to self: Once you’re on the third bowl, it’s no longer a healthy snack.
* At least once, give husband oral pleasures without waiting to be asked.
* Don’t put any more money into my online poker account unless I am really feeling lucky.
* No more buying US Weekly and People at the same time no matter how great the covers look. They are redundant.
* Your daughter has enough Barbie dolls.
* Drink at least three glasses of water a day (don’t judge, this would actually be an improvement)
* (re: above “suggestion”: Diet Cherry Dr. Pepper doesn’t count as water)
* Before my next Target run, ask myself “Do I really need anything?”
* Really show off current musical knowledge by learning to distinguish between David Cook and Daughtry instead of just referring to them both as “that American Idol dude.”
* Use less toilet paper.
* Stay more on top of my little mustache problem.
* Know my coffee limits. One cup is nice, one and half I’m getting shit done, two I’m a raging bitch.
* Besides my husband’s and children’s try to remember at least one other person’s birthday this year.