My Sobering Secret.
I'm scared, of course, to put this out there. I'm also scared of not having alcohol as a crutch to relax at night. I'm scared I'll just have to sit in anxiety, hearing every little noise the babies make, wondering if they'll wake up, wondering if Sadie's puked or if Mattie's too cold or if I was a good enough, loving enough mommy to Elby today. I'm scared to have nothing to numb that ever present worry and my circular thinking. I'm afraid of always having to listen to myself think.
But I'm more scared that my consumption of alcohol will consume my life and I can't afford that. I need to be present for my husband in the evening; I need to be fully reliable for all three of my children at all times and, for me, if I'm 100% honest with myself, I can't do that if I drink.
I'm a little worried that parties will never be as much fun or that people will think I'm boring or or a little tense. But since I still plan to use the word cocksucker with wild abandon how boring could I be? Plus, the only person who is usually around me when I've had a few glasses is my husband and he says he likes me better sober (or "awake" as he so gently put it).
I've had a lifetime of hurt and some pretty awesome reasons to drink but those days are long gone and the yet the alcohol is still here. And so, although it's never gotten me into trouble, why wait for that?
The most difficult thing that stands in my way is my ego. “Hey, I’m the Sippy Cups are Not for Chardonnay” mom! I’m cool, edgy and those are synonymous with drinking right? Well, fuck my ego. At forty-two years old I’ve come to realize that for me it’s not cute or cool or edgy or any adjective but pathetic. So here's to finding fun that doesn’t come in a bottle. I guess I’ll have to take the word tequila out of the title of my column. Well, not today. One day at a time, right?
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Stefanie on Drinking:
Hair of the Dog
A Shot Glass of Truth
Thank You Rachael Brownell
06.03.09
Wow. You are amazing and incredibly courageous. I think that you'll find that sobriety and the road of recovery can be pretty cool. Whatever path you choose, know that there are many moms out there just like you (and me) that have quit drinking and live fulfilling and fun lives.
I quit drinking over 4 years ago with the help of a pretty solid ongoing program (and a little spirituality thrown in for good measure). If I can do it, anyone can!
Rusty http://www.rustykeller.com/blog
06.03.09
The first year (or two) with twins is rough - it does get easier. They eventually do get themselves dressed, fed and off to college. Hang in there. I really enjoy your blog and wish you all the best. Fortunately, for all of us, your humor and wit doesn't go away when you stop drinking.
06.03.09
i drank heavily for 20 years. i have been sober for 7 years 4 mos +. it was the hardest thing i've ever done. but the most rewarding and uplifting thing i've ever done.
i think amanfred's comments are dangerous--if u are concerned (which u are), go with ur feelings. AA worked for me (although i am focusing on Zen buddhism now), but the support and basis of the program taught me how to LIVE sober. i never in my life imagined i could go 1 day without drinking. i now live 1 day at a time, sober.
will power does not work, admitting i had a problem and learning that it is a DISEASE that i can't control was the biggest step for me.
feel free to contact me via email! hugs.
06.03.09
Well, now you have your next book locked -- the memoir of you getting sober! Good luck to you, and good news for your children.
06.03.09
thank you for sharing this. my husband also had to quit drinking 100% because for him, there is no such thing as "just one." i am grateful every day that he realized this and had the strength to quit before he became a danger to himself, our son, and our marriage. and yes, he has slipped and yes, it's hard but that was the right choice for him. i believe you are making the right choice for YOU and wish you the very best in your efforts to be the best momma you can be.
06.03.09
Thank you for being so honest and sharing this part of your journey with us. I know you are not alone--in your desire to drink and your desire to stop needing to drink. Please continue to be honest with us about this process and know that you've got a community here to help support you along the way.
Nicola
06.03.09
Thank you all for your support. It's really overwhelming how kind people can be. I am getting assistance from others who "get it" and I agree with some of you that that makes a big difference. Luckily there are other awesome ways to unwind like watching The Bachelorette. Now that's a cup of crazy.
06.03.09
You have a grip. You know your limits. You are in control :o) Recently... I was having similar thoughts about my life and social agenda but found myself growing a baby bump (which made it really easy to quit). But a year from now, I will have a drink (or 4) again and try not to fall into the old bad habits all over again. It's all good in moderation!
06.03.09
congratulations! i too found that after my first son was born and the PPD set in i would "have" to have a beer/wine or two with dinner to be able to settle down at night. i'm now pregnant with my second and scared of that happening again. so i applaud your effort and wish you the best!
06.03.09
I am so impressed at what you wrote. Not only did you share something very personal, but you wrote about it in your blog. Many times people are concerned with having their words held against them in a judgmental way so they never admit to changing their minds, for good or bad. I have always thought that was lame! You have just shown that people can change over time and you are deciding to change for the better. Wine is not inherently bad. Wine is just not good for you now. Thank you Stephenie for being so honest!