My Sobering Secret.
I'm scared, of course, to put this out there. I'm also scared of not having alcohol as a crutch to relax at night. I'm scared I'll just have to sit in anxiety, hearing every little noise the babies make, wondering if they'll wake up, wondering if Sadie's puked or if Mattie's too cold or if I was a good enough, loving enough mommy to Elby today. I'm scared to have nothing to numb that ever present worry and my circular thinking. I'm afraid of always having to listen to myself think.
But I'm more scared that my consumption of alcohol will consume my life and I can't afford that. I need to be present for my husband in the evening; I need to be fully reliable for all three of my children at all times and, for me, if I'm 100% honest with myself, I can't do that if I drink.
I'm a little worried that parties will never be as much fun or that people will think I'm boring or or a little tense. But since I still plan to use the word cocksucker with wild abandon how boring could I be? Plus, the only person who is usually around me when I've had a few glasses is my husband and he says he likes me better sober (or "awake" as he so gently put it).
I've had a lifetime of hurt and some pretty awesome reasons to drink but those days are long gone and the yet the alcohol is still here. And so, although it's never gotten me into trouble, why wait for that?
The most difficult thing that stands in my way is my ego. “Hey, I’m the Sippy Cups are Not for Chardonnay” mom! I’m cool, edgy and those are synonymous with drinking right? Well, fuck my ego. At forty-two years old I’ve come to realize that for me it’s not cute or cool or edgy or any adjective but pathetic. So here's to finding fun that doesn’t come in a bottle. I guess I’ll have to take the word tequila out of the title of my column. Well, not today. One day at a time, right?
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Stefanie on Drinking:
Hair of the Dog
A Shot Glass of Truth
Thank You Rachael Brownell
07.01.10
kdiane, I totally can relate! I drink a bottle of wine almost every night upstairs in my room when the kids have gone to bed. My husband doesn't come to bed until late so I don't think he is completely aware. But I'm sick of it!! It's not worth it and I know it, but it's so hard to just stop.
05.13.10
What a relief it is to read that other mom's are going through this. I am the mother of two daughter's (9 and 10). I am the daughter of an alcoholic father and never started drinking until after my first daughter was born in 2000. I drank socially in HS and college but never stored or desired alcohol until after my first daughter was born.
My husband was working very long hours and I was home with a crying baby so I started to have a beer when I was waiting for him. Fourteen months later my second daughter was born. I never drank with either of them (not because I am a strong person but b/c everything made me sick).
Fast-forward twelve years and I am an alcoholic. I drink up-to two bottles of wine a night. I think that I am slick but know that my husband is aware and totally sick of it. I am sick of it. I grew up with an alcoholic parent. I swore that I would never do to my children what my dad did to me...I have tried so hard to stop. This is the only time I have not lied. I lie to my psychiatrist, husband, friends, etc...I feel anonymous here so the truth comes out. I am so ANGRY that I have become what I hate the most. Can anyone relate?
05.13.10
What a relief it is to read that other mom's are going through this. I am the mother of two daughter's (9 and 10). I am the daughter of an alcoholic father and never started drinking until after my first daughter was born in 2000. I drank socially in HS and college but never stored or desired alcohol until after my first daughter was born.
My husband was working very long hours and I was home with a crying baby so I started to have a beer when I was waiting for him. Fourteen months later my second daughter was born. I never drank with either of them (not because I am a strong person but b/c everything made me sick).
Fast-forward twelve years and I am an alcoholic. I drink up-to two bottles of wine a night. I think that I am slick but know that my husband is aware and totally sick of it. I am sick of it. I grew up with an alcoholic parent. I swore that I would never do to my children what my dad did to me...I have tried so hard to stop. This is the only time I have not lied. I lie to my psychiatrist, husband, friends, etc...I feel anonymous here so the truth comes out. I am so ANGRY that I have become what I hate the most. Can anyone relate?
01.13.10
I guess my first thought is similar to flowersmomm. Thank you very much for being so honest. Alcohol abuse is such a secretive subject for women because as teenage boys are congratulated for being able to "chug" women are seen as unladylike. We have to be honest with each other in order to overcome this disease.
I would love to hear more of your story and maybe have you guest blog if that's okay.
sobrietydiva@gmail.com
www.womenstreatmentprogram.com
08.31.09
I just finished reading Mommy Doesn't Drink Here Anymore and I am amazed after reading this book and your post how many of us have created the same habits. I know that I am an alcoholic. My drinking became a real issue after my last son was born. Dealing with 2 year old twin boys and an infant was too much for me to deal with so I would unwind with a couple of glasses of wine. Now, two years later I drink everyday and it is more like 5-7 glasses. I think about quitting daily but my mind plays games with me. I haven't admitted that I am an alcoholic to anyone, including my husband, although I am sure he is aware. It is a scary place to be and I wish that I was strong and brave enough to admit my problem and get help. You are very brave. Thank you for sharing your story!
08.06.09
I just linked to this post on my blog, http://www.drinkingdiaries.com, where women go to spill their drinking diaries. In my own post, "My First Drink," I say how, as the daughter of an alcoholic, I learned early on to view drinking as all or nothing--if you have that mentality, it's very challenging to just stop at one glass. Thanks for your honesty, and we'd love to have you blog for us some time, if you are so inclined!
08.06.09
I just linked to this post on my blog, http://www.drinkingdiaries.com, where women go to spill their drinking diaries. In my own post, "My First Drink," I say how, as the daughter of an alcoholic, I learned early on to view drinking as all or nothing--if you have that mentality, it's very challenging to just stop at one glass. Thanks for your honesty, and we'd love to have you blog for us some time, if you are so inclined!
08.06.09
I just linked to this post on my blog, http://www.drinkingdiaries.com, where women go to spill their drinking diaries. In my own post, "My First Drink," I say how, as the daughter of an alcoholic, I learned early on to view drinking as all or nothing--if you have that mentality, it's very challenging to just stop at one glass. Thanks for your honesty, and we'd love to have you blog for us some time, if you are so inclined!
07.23.09
I could always be counted on to be the defacto designated driver in my group because it wasn't even a sacrifice to not drink. I'd seen my father do it for all of my childhood ( He finally sought help and he's not had a drop for almost twenty years now.)
But slowly it became every other night, then every night. I switched from wine to beer thinking less alcohol concentration (5% instead of 13%) would be better for me but just as you can't be a little bit pregnant, you also can't be a little less alcoholic.
Since cutting it out completely, my stomach doesn't churn when I stand up. I don't snap due to hangover, nor do i feel remorseful the next day, my skin and hair is much much better and yes, i've lost a few saggy pounds.
I can meet the eye of shopkeepers (and, now I stand in judgement of the ones at the liquor stores- they're dealers just selling addicts a different drug.)
Outside help makes it so much easier.
Stephanie, write about it as much or a little as you feel you want.
Best wishes, Sirenna
07.09.09
Thank you for being so honest. I am 36 and trying to conceive baby #1. Nightly drinking has become a pathetic habit for me too. Always wanting to get away and "relax" from the day...but what am I so damn stressed about? I have a fabulous life and so much to be grateful for. Like you, I have issues that haunt me from time to time, but hell, who doesn't?? Thanks so much for telling my story. Good luck to you! Bravo to you for being so strong.