A Day in the Life of Wookie, Our Six-Month Old Puppy.
by Risa Green
6:15 am. I am awake, people, and I have to pee! Which is why I am putting my paws on the side of your bed, and trying very hard to get my tongue to reach your face. I know you don’t like it when I pee on your carpet, but seriously, if you don’t get your lazy ass out of bed in the next thirty seconds, I am going to have no choice. NO CHOICE, do you hear me?
6:16 am. Oh, goodie, you’re up. But hold on. I have to scratch myself and then lick my penis.
6:18 am. Wow, that felt good. I could do that all day. Where was I going again? Oh, right, I have to pee.
6:19 am. Actually, I think I’ll just lie down in the hallway now and totally ignore you while you call my name and beg me to go outside, and waste precious minutes that you could be spending getting dressed and making lunches. [Laughing] Really, this NEVER gets old.
6:25 am. Okay. Now I definitely have to pee. Wait, do I smell eggs?
6:26 am. Oops. My bad. But hey, at least I managed to wait until I got off the carpet. That’s got to count for something, right?
7:00 am. Yes! The boy child is having cereal, and he always spills some on the floor. Oh, man, I knew today was going to be a good day. I could just feel it when I woke up.
7:15 am. What’s that? You’re giving me breakfast? Well, jeez, it’s about time. I am STARVING. I wonder what it’s going to be. Bagels with cream cheese? A spinach frittata, perhaps? Oooh, maybe it’s bacon. Please be bacon, please be bacon, please be bacon. What’s this? Dog food again? Why do you people keep thinking I’m a dog? Do I look like a dog to you? Pass.
7:35 am. Okay, fine. I’ll eat the damn dog food. But if you tell anyone, I’ll kill you. For real. My puppy teeth could cut through steel, you know.
7:40 am. Hey, where’s everybody going? If you leave me here I’m going to cry. I am. See? I’m crying. I’m crying loud. Hey, where are you going? Don’t you leave me locked up behind this gate! What is wrong with all of you? Don’t you hear me crying? You all have hearts of stone! Stone, I tell you! Stone!
7:41 am. Well. I’ll show them. I am not doing a single thing today except for sleeping. That’ll teach ‘em to leave me here all day by myself. But first, I think I’ll chew on the side of the couch.
8:00 am. Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.