Open Letter To Angelina Jolie.

Hi Angie,

 

I hope you don't mind if I call you Angie but I feel like I know you because a friend of a friend of my brother reads the National Enquirer and always catches me up on what's happening in your life. So first off, I know that you already have like a boatload of kids but that you just recently added twins to the mix. And I heard that you are finding twins to be very challenging. Actually the friend of a friend of my brother said that you are “totally going out of your mind.” I think you should know that I too recently had twins. Not as recently as you and not in France. Although, I did eat a lot of croissants while I was pregnant and my ass got huge. In fact, I don't really know what this "French Women Don't Get Fat" author was thinking but she got her facts wrong. I mean, seriously, croissants are like eating a stick of butter. This might explain why I haven't shed all of my pregnancy weight.

 

But on to the real reason for my letter: Twins are a bitch. It's seriously underrated the toll it takes on your anxiety level, mental state, physical appearance and overall health in general. Anyone who tells you with a huge smile that you must feel "doubly blessed" deserves to be punched in the head (but have Brad do it because you need to save your strength). When I had my first baby, she slept in a bassinet right next to the bed and, sure, I woke up eighty times a night but it was okay because she was the only baby and I expected to lose some sleep. Scratch that, it wasn't okay, I was a hot mess but it was livable. One night my husband (who looks slightly like Brad - I'm not gonna lie, he's a looker!) suggested that he sleep in the living room with the baby so that I could get a full night of sleep and I just about took his head off. I accused him of not loving me and just wanting to sleep alone. When the twins came - let's just say completely different story. We took turns sleeping on the couch for months and I was thrilled every single time it wasn't my turn. Like I said, twins are a bitch and it’s not your fault.

 

I have one nanny during the day and I hear you have a few on hand so I'm assuming you have one at night. Hell, you probably have a nanny just dedicated to reapplying your lipstick. Doesn't matter. All the help in the world can't drown out the crying of two babies who refuse to sleep, eat or play at the same time. Please don't believe the people who will tell you to "get them on a schedule" that does not work on the planet reality. Personally, I'm not a big showerer overall (wow, maybe I would fit in better in France) mostly because I have only about half the amount of photo shoots that you do, but since I've had twins I can count the showers I've had on one hand without using my thumb.

 

Julie Cole
10.29.08

OK, I'm one of those freaks of nature who has always wanted twins. Everytime I have an ultrasound, I'm secretly disappointed there is only one. I'm now pregnant with my sixth (I know, I need therapy) and again, disappointment at the ultrasound with only one. As a busy business owner and mama, life is insane. I think someone should lend me their twins to cure me! :)

kennamom
10.21.08

mmacdaniel, i have 5yo twins and a 13yo and could have used that help too!!

hpf27
10.09.08

I love your column...and as we go into IVF (we have one toddler from a previous round of IVF), I read it to remind myself why we're only putting in one embryo, even though we're lowering our chances of getting pregnant. Twins scare the bejeezus out of me!!! and, when I feel weak, and just want to make sure we get pregnant...you remind me why we're being conservative!! :)

penn_girl
10.08.08

So funny! My husband has a twin-obsession (for babies, that is...) In fact, his first question at our 9-week ultrasound was, "Where's the other one?" We're starting to try for number two now and he's back with the twin-talk! I keep telling him that it's absolute insanity to want twins. Maybe I should forward him this article...

mmacdaniel
10.07.08

Hilarious. I have 5 year old twins and a 14 year old and only wish I had the help Jlo, Angelina and others have had.

mommy2one
10.07.08

I loved this article. Pretty damn hilarious. I, myself do not have twins. We were close though. I do have a friend who has 1 yr. old twin boys, and has made it look so easy. She now says they want twin girls!!! WTF!

NB37
10.06.08

Absolutely love your column and books. I am feeling your pain, too. My twin boys are nearly 2 and my daughter is 6. Some days all I seem to do is clean food off the floor, and the walls, and the cabinets, and, well, you get the idea.

Be proud of the fact that you are even writing another book and know that many of will be in line to get it the day it comes out!

twinmom624
10.03.08

Loved your "Sippy Cup" book - glad I read it after I already had kids or I would have opted out of the whole child bearing thing....

Anyway, as mom of 5 year old twin girls, believe me, I feel your pain. The first two years are a total blur. In fact, if I didn't have photos to prove it, I'd swear it never happened.

My sister and I both have twins and we used to just laugh when friends with one baby would complain. They have no clue as to how easy they have it!!

You'll have to trust me that the best is yet to come. It does get easier and you will survive!

Hang in there! So glad you'll have column in MT so I can re-live it all ; )