by Tracy Evans
Believe it or not ladies you can shortcut the shopping and your partner's expectations and still do something nice for him this Father’s Day. I had this revelation the other day right in my own kitchen. Here’s what happened. My husband who I always thought was different from other guys, made a remark that made me think otherwise at least for a second or two. After an unsuccessful two-week search for glamorous silver party shoes I joked that I just might have to buy 6-inch hooker heels for an upcoming black-tie wedding since that’s all the stores seem to be selling these days. He smirked and said “Why not? Buy ‘em”. It sounded simply like a smart ass remark. But was their some truth in it? Did he really want me to look like a Barbie doll at this work-related wedding? He swore he was kidding and I believed him. But I’m sure there are times he wishes I was different than I am: a tiny loud-mouthed strawberry blonde who avoids heels, too much makeup, cooking, cleaning and anything else that might look like I am trying to please my husband. I am so good at this my husband has actually referred to me as the “anti-wife” not once but many times.
Unless I get knocked out cold by a falling coconut and later wake up a new woman my husband is stuck with me “as is”. Just like I have to put up with him. But maybe, just maybe, this Father’s Day I’ll cut him some slack and pretend to be a fantasy wife for a day. After nearly 20-months as a mom I’ve never even come close to having a Donna Reed moment but here goes. I wonder what my husband would do if June 15th started out his way: with a morning romp between the sheets. I’d rather sleep in but it might be worth the effort just to see the look on his face if I agreed to morning sex for the first time in years. Why guys like doing it at such an un-Godly hour is beyond me. But it’s his fantasy not mine.
Even with a crazed toddler running me ragged I usually manage to get dressed and look pretty good every day but rarely at the break of dawn. However on Father’s Day a first-thing shower is a given thanks to the early “wakeup call”. At that hour our daughter should still be snug in her crib so I’ll probably have time to slap on some makeup. I imagine all Stepford wives actually put a great deal of effort into big hair and fabulous makeup. But that just doesn’t work down here in steamy Miami - the heat will melt a face full of makeup in no time. So I’ll put on just enough so I look a bit different than everyday me. The husband will either be impressed, indifferent or scared. Not sure.
Next step, the closet. What does a fantasy wife wear these days? Silk blouse, short skirt, pearls and heels? Nope, too Father’s Knows Best.. French maids outfit? No, too sexy might please husband but daughter will steal feather duster. Nothing at all? Ha. He couldn’t pay me to walk around naked all day. Forget the role-playing costumes I’ll just play it safe and wear a low cut top, jeans and okay, fine heels, but low ones. No offense to the hookers of the world.
Then I’ll head downstairs to whip up a gourmet breakfast ala Rachel Ray. But even in fantasyland I know my cooking sucks so I’ll just order a fancy meal and have it delivered just before hubby and daughter awake. My mom would be proud, mother-in-law not so much. After breakfast in bed the day would play out just like I planned it. Husband would love the new me, we’d get along like newlyweds and not the cranky old timers we’ve turned into over the past seventeen years. Our daughter would behave, delight us with her genius, magically resist all urges to cry, poop, or slobber and for once go to bed early. .
Hold on a second, this is starting to sound more like my fantasy than his. I knew I didn’t have it in me. How can I pull this off in real life when I can’t even be the perfect wife on paper? Maybe this is one fantasy that’s better left to the imagination. There’s no such thing as perfect anyway so why waste time playing pretend? I’m going to save myself a lot of hard work, primping and embarrassment and just stick to my quick and easy original plan. While Daddy ain’t getting what he secretively might want this Father’s Day he is getting dinner on me, a massage gift certificate and some cute Snapfish photos of our daughter. And when he opens the gifts he will tell me what a wonderful wife I am and that he can’t live without me on Father’s Day or another day. Ah, now that’s a fantasy!
Tracy Evans is a long-time television producer whose work has appeared
on the Travel Channel, FOX, Court TV, Lifetime to name a few. She is
currently editing a television script but wishes she were sipping a
margarita out by the pool. When she isn’t producing television shows,
writing for magazines, or dreaming her life away she is busy chasing
19-month-old Natalia around the house, negotiating parenting chores
with her husband (okay, telling him what to do) and trying to stay cool
down in steamy Miami.