It’s not just because you enjoy my occasional column or liked my first two books that I would encourage you to run out immediately and buy my new book (Were You Raised By Wolves: Clues to the Mysteries of Adulthood  – Collins, April 8). After all, my new book is really geared more towards the twenty-something set. If you’re the parent of younger children, you might wonder, “Why do I have to buy it now? Why can’t I wait? For Pete’s sake, my child just entered first grade, leave me alone.” Of course you can wait! Give it as a college graduation present! Save it for when your son turns twenty-five and you find he’s still living in your downstairs rec room. Because it might really come in handy right about then.
Parents of young children take heed: first of all, I have always wanted to use “take heed” in a sentence, and have finally found that opportunity. It’s so medieval and sage, isn’t it? Yet hasn’t become tainted with cliché, much like the overused “but I digress.”
But I digress. What I’m getting at is, why wait? You yourself, though possibly many years past your twenties, might really like this book. You might be pleasantly surprised to find pages chock full of amusing, entertaining and yet very useful advice. Although an experienced working and parental adult, you might actually learn some new and interesting bits of information that could prove valuable around the house, or in a tricky social situation. But most important, it may begin to dawn on you that your adorable toddler or fourth-grader will be a teenager in a very few years. And soon after that, he’ll be out of the house. At least, theoretically.
Let’s just say you read The Three-Martini Playdate . You enjoyed it, but didn’t take all of my helpful hints to heart. And since then, you’ve basically been doing everything to smooth the bumpy road of life for your over-scheduled children. And your cherub-cheeked angels have never learned how to wash dishes or set a table. They are but a few years away from going out into the big, wide world, and they still grab food off your dinner plate and barely know how to carry on an actual conversation with a grown-up. After reading my new book you will certainly come to realize the importance of giving your children the tools to become self-sufficient and independent humans now, before they leave the safety and shelter of your home.
Think of it as a preventive measure; before your kids graduate from college still having no idea how to make their beds or boil an egg, this book might prompt you to snap into action and teach your kindergartner how to fold his clothes. It’s a start! And if your teenager has reached that happy age possessing only a passing familiarity with the kitchen sponge, then you might want to have this book lying around the house before he goes off to college. Yes, there are a few chapters that are meant for eyes over the age of twenty-one, most specifically the one where I discuss the drinking thing. But it’s a cautionary chapter as much as one about drinking etiquette, so you can decide whether it’s appropriate for your seventeen-year old to read or not. (I’m letting you know ahead of time so I don’t get any of “those” e-mails.)
The point is, I think you’ll like this new book of mine, whether you read it yourself, give it to your teenager, or end up giving it to a friend whose twenty-something is graduating from college. It has lots of fun, short chapters, plus hand-drawn illustrations, done by me. And it could change your life! Or at the very least, it could get your ten-year-old to change his own sheets.
(It would be so nice if many, many people bought my book the first week of publication, which is April 8. It makes the numbers look good, or something. So tell your friends! And don’t forget those graduates on your list! Inquire at your local bookstore, or order from Amazon . Thanks!
Were You Raised by Wolves: Clues to the Mysteries of Adulthood  by Christie Mellor – Collins/April 8)