by Stefanie Wilder-Taylor
When I quit drinking I swore I wasn’t going to become one of those people who accuse everyone who ever has a sip of wine of being an alcoholic. First off, there are plenty of people who drink a lot –even daily –multiple servings –but don’t have a drinking problem; my husband for one. He enjoys a beer or glass of sake or two almost every night but never more than that and he doesn’t “accidentally” get drunk like some other people used to do (me). In fact, I’ve only seen him drunk once. It was many years ago at a gay bar in NYC where we were hanging out with friends and didn’t have to drive. Drunk Jon was actually pretty adorable –just sort of silly and slightly slurry but nothing crazy or unpleasant. And he didn’t hit on anybody. Let’s just say he was no Ronnie from Jersey Shore.
I think this sort of lack of alcoholic tendency is one of the main reasons that my husband will never have his own reality show because from what I’ve seen, rampant alcohol abuse seems to be the staple of all successful docu-soaps –mainly the entire Real Housewives franchise. And I would venture a guess that unless I fall off the wagon, I’m never going to get my own show.
So despite my proclamations that I won’t judge anyone else’s drinking habits, seeing as I am as addicted to watching Real Housewives as I used to be to chilled white wine, I can’t help but notice the ones who might have way too much in common with me. At the very least it’s a great reminder of where alcohol can take you (it’s like a boy with bad intentions). Now, I am not an addiction specialist, and I’m not qualified to diagnose anyone with a problem –but here are a couple of the housewives I think could use a visit from Candy Finnigan:
Ramona (RHNY) – Sorry Ramona but you know things aren’t good when a kookoo pants like Kelly Bensimon makes the accusation: “your blood type is Pinot Grigio.” Seriously, Kelly was mid-nervous breakdown and even with everything else going on in her crazy brain, the thing that stood out to her was that you drink too much. If I were you, I’d consider that an Intervention. It’s not just how much you drink, it’s what happens: Remember when you were on that boat and you kept sitting in that gross guy’s lap and flirting up a storm? He had a mustache for crying out loud! That alone should have given you pause! Would you do that sober? I don’t think you would. But that’s just one example. Ask yourself if you really want to be the red faced, slurry, sometimes fun but sometimes angry cocktail party host because I think you are capable of more.
Sonja (RHNY) –Sadly, I don’t really want you to quit drinking because you are a funny drunk. When I was drinking I would have totally hit a divorcee bar in NYC with you and had a bathtub sized glass of cab while we talked about the high level of skill involved in giving the perfect blow job. But I don’t drink and neither should you because 1) you got a DUI and maybe worse 2) on Scary Island you were so drunk you climbed into bed with Kelly. Look the DUI alone is not cause for rehab but hitting on Kelly is a cry for help if I’ve ever heard one. I know you’re worried you won’t be as much fun or that it will be difficult to sleep with old guys without a bit of social lubricant but I think your sparkling personality will prevail.
Joe Giudice (Teresa’s husband from RHNJ) –A lot of people think that Joe might have a drinking problem due to his erratic behavior and his recent DUI. I think that too many people are quick on the accusations trigger. Sure you flipped your truck and crashed into a utility pole after you were unable to maintain your lane on the road. Yes, your blood was drawn and you were drunk. But case closed? I should say not. According to you, you were so upset about hitting that pole –a pole that had the cajones to be in the way of your truck, that you ran to a friend’s house and immediately downed multiple shots to calm your nerves. Okay so that “friend” was discredited for flat out lying by the judge but, that’s bullshit because we all know how corrupt the legal system is! So keep your head up, Joe. Teresa believes in you and a woman who dresses her babies in leopard and tutus can’t be wrong!
Lynne (RHOC) Okay, most of the time I’ll admit that you just look very relaxed. But most people who are working with the amount of stress you have in their life are not giving interviews just after their latest eviction sounding like Woody Harrelson on vacation after a massage. You are on something, my friend. I can’t blame you. If I had to have half a conversation with Gretchen I’d hit the pipe first too but I wonder if you are ever not high. And if you aren’t popping Vicodin or smoking a little silly weed and you’re actually just spacey then whoops, my bad.
Anyway ladies (and Joe) I’m here if you need to talk.