by Risa Green
6:15 am. I am awake, people, and I have to pee! Which is why I am putting my paws on the side of your bed, and trying very hard to get my tongue to reach your face. I know you don’t like it when I pee on your carpet, but seriously, if you don’t get your lazy ass out of bed in the next thirty seconds, I am going to have no choice. NO CHOICE, do you hear me?
6:16 am. Oh, goodie, you’re up. But hold on. I have to scratch myself and then lick my penis.
6:18 am. Wow, that felt good. I could do that all day. Where was I going again? Oh, right, I have to pee.
6:19 am. Actually, I think I’ll just lie down in the hallway now and totally ignore you while you call my name and beg me to go outside, and waste precious minutes that you could be spending getting dressed and making lunches. [Laughing] Really, this NEVER gets old.
6:25 am. Okay. Now I definitely have to pee. Wait, do I smell eggs?
6:26 am. Oops. My bad. But hey, at least I managed to wait until I got off the carpet. That’s got to count for something, right?
7:00 am. Yes! The boy child is having cereal, and he always spills some on the floor. Oh, man, I knew today was going to be a good day. I could just feel it when I woke up.
7:15 am. What’s that? You’re giving me breakfast? Well, jeez, it’s about time. I am STARVING. I wonder what it’s going to be. Bagels with cream cheese? A spinach frittata, perhaps? Oooh, maybe it’s bacon. Please be bacon, please be bacon, please be bacon. What’s this? Dog food again? Why do you people keep thinking I’m a dog? Do I look like a dog to you? Pass.
7:35 am. Okay, fine. I’ll eat the damn dog food. But if you tell anyone, I’ll kill you. For real. My puppy teeth could cut through steel, you know.
7:40 am. Hey, where’s everybody going? If you leave me here I’m going to cry. I am. See? I’m crying. I’m crying loud. Hey, where are you going? Don’t you leave me locked up behind this gate! What is wrong with all of you? Don’t you hear me crying? You all have hearts of stone! Stone, I tell you! Stone!
7:41 am. Well. I’ll show them. I am not doing a single thing today except for sleeping. That’ll teach ‘em to leave me here all day by myself. But first, I think I’ll chew on the side of the couch.
8:00 am. Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.
2:30 pm. Holy shit, was that a dream, or was I really just being chased by giant sweat socks with tails?
2:35 pm. [Impatient sigh.] I can’t believe it’s only been five minutes since they left. This day is never going to end.
3:00 pm. I just heard the garage door. I just heard the garage door! They’re home! My people are home! Ooh, and the boy child smells like cheese. Bo-nus! Hello! Hello! I’m so happy to see you, I just want to jump on top of you and knock you down on the floor and nip at your ears with my razor sharp teeth. Hey, why are you yelling at me? Can’t you see my tail wagging? I’m just playing. Jeesh, can no one in this house take a joke?
3:30 pm. Hell, yes, I want to go for a walk! I thought you’d never ask. Aw, come on, really? Do I have to wear that thing around my neck? All right. Have it your way. But I hope you know it’s your arm that’s going to get pulled out of it’s socket, not mine.
3:35 pm. I am peeing on the grass. And now, I am peeing on a rock. And now, I am peeing on a mailbox. And now, I am – is that a squirrel? Come on, mom! It’s a squirrel! Let’s get it! Come on! Come on! What are you saying? Slow down? Sorry, you’re too far back, I can’t heeeeeeeear yoooooou!
4:00 pm. Water. Must. Have. Water.
4:30 pm. These children watch entirely too much television. Their brains are going to turn to mush. I know I have to do something, but what? Wait - I know! I’ll jump onto the couch and land right on top of them, and then I’ll bite their toes and lick their faces and chew on the bottoms of their jeans. That should get them up off the couch! And then, I’ll eat their snacks. What? It’s for their own good. Studies show that kids who eat while watching television are more likely to become obese, you know.
4:33 pm. Hey, why is the girl child locking me outside? I was just trying to help! You’ll wish you hadn’t done this to me when you wake up one day and your ass looks like a giant piece of Pirate’s Booty!
5:30 pm. Oh, are we having chicken for dinner? How lovely. Shall I help set the table?
6:00 pm. No, no, it’s okay, I don’t need a chair. Really, I can just stand. See? When I hold onto the table with my front paws, like so, I am just tall enough to reach the boy child’s plate. Mmmmm. You have really outdone yourself this time. This chicken is delic – hey! Why are you locking me outside again?
6:30 pm. No, I’m not interested in kibble. I’ll just lick the floor under the kitchen table, thank you very much.
7:00 pm. You know, it wouldn’t kill you to give me a bath once in a while, too. I enjoy bubbles.
7:30 pm. Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.
9:00 pm. Finally, it’s my turn. The kids are asleep, we’ve got the house to ourselves…come on, mom and dad! Let’s play! I said, come on, mom and dad! Let’s play! Wow, your enthusiasm is overwhelming. Look, I’ll make it easy for you. I’ll bring you my rope toy. All you have to do is pull on it. Yes, like that. Just like that. Oh, my God, my tail is wagging so fast I think I might achieve lift off. Wait, why’d you stop? What do you mean, you’re tired? How can you be tired? You didn’t even do anything today except take me for a twenty minute walk! Come on, you want to play with me. You know you want to. You really don’t want to? Fine. If you don’t want to play with me, then I’ll just play by myself. I will take this squeaky, plastic hamburger and I will squeak it over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and – hey! Why’d you take away my squeaky toy?
9:30 pm. Ugh, is that American Idol? I hate to break it to you, but the poodle down the street informed me this morning that Casey is out. I told her we hadn’t watched it yet, but she just couldn’t keep the news to herself. I can’t even watch it now. It’s too depressing. I’ll just go eat some dirty tissues out of the trash can in the bathroom.
10:30 pm. You realize it’s only a matter of days before I’m big enough to jump onto your bed, don’t you? But until then, I’ll just sleep in my little bed here on the floor. I hope my snoring doesn’t bother you too much. The doctor says I need to get more exercise. I told him that I’d love to, but a certain someone doesn’t exactly provide me with a gym membership, if you know what I mean. Anyway, sleep well! Good night! Don’t let the bedbugs bite! Ha-ha, that was just a joke. If there were any bed bugs I would sniff them out and eat them, so don’t you worry about a thi- zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz nzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.