by Stefanie Wilder-Taylor
Marriage is hard work. It so easy for me to drift apart for periods of time from Jon while dealing with the trials and tribulations of navigating the early intervention system for our twins, navigating the public school system for Elby and attempting to ensure our house doesn’t smell like cat pee –and we don’t own a cat – take a moment with that one. Due to our lack of time and motivation to go on “dates” which would entail paying for even more childcare or just spending time together in the house (God, that’s a lot of effort) you’d think we’d be well on our way to marriage counseling. But hold on. I’ve stumbled upon something much better, a hells a lot cheaper and way more geographically desirable: Facebook. Oh yeah, it’s not just for finding old elementary friends anymore.
I have been spending a little quality time perusing my husband’s Facebook account and I already feel like I’m rediscovering an old friend. Sure it’s interesting that a girl I was besties with in junior high is married to a woman who’s in prison for murder! Who in their right mind could deny that’s good stuff? But, that just doesn’t compete with finding out that my husband joined the group, “Billionaires for Wealthcare.” I mean, hold the fucking phone – we’re BILLIONAIRES? You’d think this was information he wouldn’t shared while we watched the intro to Keith Olberman last night in bed. But in his defense, maybe I was asleep already or maybe he just didn’t have a chance to slip it in to conversation while I explained that our home warranty doesn’t cover our dishwasher’s “too loud” issue and will only fix it if it doesn’t work at all. Bottom line, we’re billionaires and that makes me feel a lot closer to him.
There’s also the fact that we have 68 friends in common. Hello! That’s a lot of mutual friends. And do you know why? It’s because we have such similar taste in people that we’re destined to like a lot of the same ones thus solidifying my knowledge that I made a solid choice in husbands!
Without Facebook I wouldn’t have just discovered that someone named “Dana” told my husband “You are so sick. I love your sense of humor!” Finding out that someone else appreciates my man doesn’t make me want to cut a bitch, it makes me proud that other people get how hilarious he is. Okay, maybe I want to cut a bitch a little. I’m only human. I’m not going to do it! Get a grip, will you? Anyway, her name isn’t even Dana (even if it was, you’ll never pin it on me). But really, Dana, I agree with you. Jon keeps me in stitches! Hang on let me go find more.
Looks like Jon owes someone named Norm lunch. That’s news to me. I didn’t even know Jon had time for random lunches. I mean, if he can take the time to have lunch with someone during his day at work then maybe he could find a way to get home from work an hour earlier to help with the babies instead of having lunch with some dumb guy named Norm whom I’ve never ever even heard of. But, hey, that’s so controlling of me. Jon’s a big boy. I’m sure he’ll make the right decision. Unless he wants me to get really pissed.
Oh, I’m looking through it right now and there’s a comment he left on his wall that I don’t even understand regarding some article in Rolling Stone – Jon, I didn’t even know you read Rolling Stone or that you cared so deeply about an article in it. But apparently someone named “Jessie” knows and gave you a “thumbs up.” What the fuck is that supposed to mean? I guess “Jessie” knows you better than I’ll ever hope to. And while you’re getting your “thumbs up” from Jessie, I see you’re busy becoming friends with women named Annie Landsky and Cydney Olley. What kind of person spells her name with that many Y’s? A floozy that’s who. And hold on just one goddamned minute; you are a member of a group called I Don't care How Comfortable Crocs Are, You Look Like A Dumbass?  This is war. You know I once owned a pair of Crocs. If you hated them so much why didn’t you just tell me? Why do I have to find out like this? You’re making Facebook do your dirty work? I trusted you, you slimy bastard! I gave you my whole heart and this is what I get in return? Dissed on my pink Crocs?
You should know that I just left word with a very reputable divorce attorney. Okay, I didn’t leave word exactly but I did send him a Facebook message. He’s one of my friends. And not one of our mutual friends!
Hang on, I just saw how many pictures of me he has up under his photos. Wow, that’s a lot. Pages and pages. Oooh, I love this one of me and Elby at the pool. He’s pretty sweet. Mayhaps I overreacted just a touch?
Sorry, Jon. See you in bed tonight. We have a date to watch Keith on MSNBC. Now, if I can just figure out how to unsend a Facebook email…