Musically Challenged.

I once asked a friend of mine how you know that your boyfriend is “the one,” and she told me that you need to make a list. Well, two lists, actually. One of the lists should be of qualities that are absolutely non-negotiable in a partner (i.e, sense of humor, generosity, an understanding of how much a good pair of shoes cost), and the other list should be of qualities that you would prefer, but that you could live without if you had to (i.e. blue eyes, a sense of style, a love of contemporary art). She said that if the guy in question has everything on the first list, and at least half of the things on the second list, then you count your blessings, and you marry him.


For me, where to put ‘good taste in music’ was a tough call. It very easily could have been on my first list, but ultimately ended up on the second, thus allowing me to marry my musically challenged husband, whom I otherwise adore. But I will say, it’s been a sacrifice. I love music, and not to brag or anything, but I have excellent taste in music, and rarely does a song arise whose lyrics I don’t know by heart. And so, living with someone who doesn’t know a single song recorded prior to 1985, who considers good music to be any song that’s made AT 40 and/or been the theme to a cheesy movie, who FELL ASLEEP during a Rolling Stones concert and has NEVER HEARD of Steely Dan, who once actually paid money to attend a Michael Bolton concert – well, I’m sure you can imagine how difficult it’s been for me these last ten years.


But, I am determined not to let my husband’s tragic flaw affect my children. When I was pregnant, I used to lie in bed listening to my favorite bands, the speakers pushed right up against my uterus, in the hopes that I would be able to influence their musical tastes through the womb. When my kids were babies, I would play my favorite CDs in the car whenever I took them somewhere, or in the house, as background music, whenever we were home. I figured that somehow, some way, I could subliminally teach them a love of classic rock, 70’s soul, 80’s alternative and ‘90s dance music. I knew that my husband wouldn’t stand a chance. There was no way that a human being could be raised on a steady diet of Stevie Wonder, Van Halen, Depeche Mode and Black Box, yet still succumb to the likes of Jon Secada or (sorry honey) Kenny G. But I never counted on Radio Disney coming in and ruin my whole plan.


I first discovered Radio Disney when my daughter was about two. After six months of caving to her demand that we listen to the Little People rendition of Wheels on the Bus whenever we were in the car, I recalled a friend telling me that Disney had a radio station that played songs from all of the Disney tv shows. In a moment of sheer desperation, I scanned the channels on my radio until I came across the theme song from Bear in the Big Blue House, and got my daughter to agree to listen. Which may not sound like much of a victory, but you try listening to grown-ups singing The Wheels on the Bus in super-peppy, fake, lispy, little kid voices for six months straight, and maybe you’ll see why it so, so, is.



Very entertaining read as usual. Witty and hilarious! I love your articles!