Do Women Love Infidelity?

by Leslie Morgan Steiner

 

Here’s a timeless subject that drives most women nuts: Why do men leave women they once adored?

 

Statistics suggest at least one in three married men cheat. That’s a lot. Naturally we’d all like to avoid the philanderers and stick with the two-in-three good guys. Sadly, single men don’t walk around wearing buttons declaring “I Cheat” or “Faithful Guy.” It’s bewildering and gut-wrenching to place bets on your own potential partner.

 

Much better to read about others’ mistakes.

 

Isabel Gillies’ memoir, Happens Every Day, catalogues a sudden, excruciating abandonment by a husband who clearly once considered his wife his soul mate. The fact that Gillies is a beautiful, smart, skinny blonde actress adds to the intrigue. The detail that she was left behind with two young children compounds the heartache. Add in her spouse’s decision to seduce and marry Isabel’s close friend, and you’ve got a best-seller filled with shock, betrayal and schadenfreude. I gasped after every line: “Thank god that’s not me!”

 

Laura Munson’s recent New York Times Modern Love column describes a different abandonment – and resolution. Laura, who lives with her husband and young children on a 20 acre ranch in Montana, describes their happy partnership as “still friends and lovers after spending more than half of your lives together.” The idyll dissolves when her husband announces one day that he’s leaving her and their kids. “I don’t love you anymore. I’m not sure I ever did. I’m moving out.”

 

Ouch! Devouring Munson’s story, I kept thinking: Could that happen to me?

 

Surprisingly – and fortunately – Laura Munson is no pushover. “I am handy with a chain saw,” she explains. Like a good mother watching a toddler’s tantrum, she steps back from her spouse’s crisis, recognizing that his turmoil reflect his own growing pains, not her failings.

 

“I don’t buy it,” she declares dispassionately, again and again. She doesn’t sob or beg; she doesn’t seek therapy or revenge. She sets guidelines. Go ahead, she tells her husband, play out this crisis, find yourself. Just don’t openly hurt me or the children. She holds the family together, takes them for picnics and pony rides all summer, and gives him his space while still loving him from afar.

 

He’s back by Thanksgiving.

 

Both Gillies’ and Munson’s tales of infidelity have proven immensely popular among women – the appeal is universal despite the dramatically different endings. Happens Every Day was a New York Times best-seller. Munson’s Modern Love piece led Sunday’s most-emailed list for the site; Oprah and the morning talk shows are surely after her for more advice about how to keep your man.

 

leslie morgan s...
08.11.09

Leslie Morgan Steiner

Yep!

Both are great reads. Let me know once you've taken a look. The links here include short pieces by both women.

vlarson
08.10.09

I haven't read either, but I, too, am aware that every time a celebrity or politician admits to infidelity, the chatter is all about how to "affair-proof" your marriage.

I have an idea — it's called honesty!

I'm more of the mind of Munson — the problem isn't with the cheatee (assuming he/she isn't acting like a horrid person), but with the cheater. Because once you cross that line, you've made the bad choice, not your spouse. If you're that unhappy, tell the truth and move on.

Of course, we have to be mindful of who we fall in love with. If he's cheating on his wife to be with you and you marry him anyway, well .... doh!