Dr. Phil: Guilty of Starting a Mommy War?
Over the past 12 years, I’ve been a stay-at-home mom, a fulltime working mom, a part-time working mom, and a work-at-home-crazy-hours mom. Do my three kids care? Can they even articulate my status in these terms? Nope. Not a chance. Whether I work or not has never made my children’s top ten list. My kids care that I’m available for them, I’m happy, and my family is stable. Sometime that means working overtime. Sometimes it means not working at all. Sometimes it means changing my schedule to meet their needs. And vice versa.
The bottom line is that as long as I’m not abusing or neglecting my children, it’s not up to Dr. Phil, Jessica Gottlieb, other parents or our government to judge how much I work. Regrettably, sometimes moms’ intense need to feel good about ourselves means we stoop to denigrating other women who’ve made different choices or face harsh financial realities. But truth is, I haven’t found too many other people who deep down can justify condemning other moms’ parenting approaches . Even when I specifically asked the 26 contributors to Mommy Wars to write about the “tension” between working and stay-at-home moms, no one could cough up more than a few paragraphs. Instead we all wrote furiously about ourselves – and how we want to feel good as moms, and that our lives challenge us mightily no matter how we juggle kids and work.
There’s a simple way to judge whether you are doing your best as a mom: ask yourself if you’d like to be your own kid.
Despite my many failings, I would LOVE to be any one of my kids. We laugh all the time. Sometimes even when I’m about to spank them. I let them sleep in my bed when they are lonely. The pets in our family usually outnumber the people. I yell a lot but I also give fantastically heartfelt apologies. I don’t keep track of how many times my kids see my naked butt. I love their dad. I love my work. And most importantly, I love my children and let them know it every day. I’m the only woman, among the 80 million moms in America, who loves my kids in the uniquely passionate way I do, whether I’m at home or at work or both.
So tell us – would you like to be your own kid?
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Send us an email or leave a comment below to let us know if you've written a response to Leslie's question. We'll link to our favorite posts about this latest skirmish in the stay-at-home / working mother debate here on Mommy Tracked.
The public debate over Dr. Phil's "Guilty Moms" show is heating up. Here are some other interesting reactions we've read, from both stay-at-home and working moms:
Finally, the Mommy Wars are Over! by Deb from Deb on the Rocks
Mom Vs. Mom: The Age Old Debate by Rhea from Mommy 2 3 Monkeys
Working Mom Smackdown by Romi Lassaly at The Huffington Post
Dr. Phil Stay-At-Home Mom Vs. Working Mom Show at PhD in Parenting
Dr. Phil Is Having the Wrong Discussion by Amy at Selfish Mom
Working vs. Stay at home moms: If you work, are you outsourcing the job of loving your kids? by Romi Lassaly at Parents Ask
11.04.09
I don't even know where to begin. I cannot fully express the disgust I feel for the moron who did start this ridiculous debate. There is NO debate! All these self-righteous moms or people that think they have any right to judge a mom that isn't at home every minute of the day, should take a hard look in the mirror for what they are teaching their kids. I am a full time mom with a full time job and I stand so strongly behind that, you better watch out! I am raising 2 wonderful little boys, who I am teaching that a woman is every bit a strong and independent as a man. I show them that you can make a life for yourself and children filled with so much love that they would never resent me working. Working is a part of life. Teaching them good work ethic and that a woman just doesn't belong barefoot in the kitchen is worth way more to my boys than you could ever understand! The point is this,my babies have NEVER doubted my love for them or the unlimited lengths I would go for them, because I have a job that supports us. If anything they appreciate that they have a parent who is striving to give them the best life possible. It gives them another view on women and that they should appreciate a woman's strengths as they do a man's. I juggle and multi-task so many things on top of my job that my 6yr old refers to me as Super Mom! To be ashamed of that would be incredibly ignorant. So I'll say this last. For you ridiculous moms that think you are any better a parent for being stuck at home, you better wake up and join the 2oth century!Working moms are taking the world by storm, Don't be Jealous! There's room for all kinds of moms, don't down anyone else for your false sense of what you think a mom should be. My kids are happy, are yours?
10.24.09
A-freaking-men, Leslie.
I wrote nearly three years ago here: http://www.mom-101.com/2006/11/sanctimommy.html that "while the Sanctimommy is quick to deem others unfit mothers...she's reluctant to look as closely at herself."
But the truth is, I don't care what some sanctimommy on a TV show has to say about my choices. Her attitude is really only hurting her own children; it doesn't impact me a single bit.
10.21.09
Leslie, can you help me understand your outrage over Dr. Phil's show, when the title of your book is:
"Mommy Wars: Stay-at-Home and Career Moms Face Off on Their Choices, Their Lives, Their Families"
Pardon me for saying so, but this "if you judge me, I get to judge you" commentary isn't helping anyone and reminds me too much of the third grade.
We need a better discussion. Instead of "facing off" with each other about the way we live our lives, how about we think about what kind of society we are living in, that makes it impossible for any mother to ever be good enough, no matter what she does.
You may want to read "This Is Not How I Thought It Would Be: Remodeling Motherhood to Get the Lives We Want Today" by Kristin Maschka. She believes that it is hidden assumptions -- "Mental Maps" such as, "Mothers are responsible for, and naturally better at caregiving" that influences our thoughts, beliefs and actions. Until we redraw those maps, we have little hope of laying these "wars" to rest.
And Leslie, no hard feelings. I do commend you for bringing dads into this discussion. Indeed, they are a big piece of this puzzle.
http://whitecrayonmom.blogspot.com/2009/10/mothers-vs-outdated-mental-ma...
10.21.09
Sorry for all the spelling errors in my previous post. This topic just gets me so aggitated! :)
10.21.09
I find it funny (or diplorable, disgusting, humorous, insert appropriate emotion here) that this debate was started by a MAN. The previous poster was right, there is not a person out there who bashes dads for working full time, so why do mommies catch all the flack? Reading this was like a mirror to my own views on this topic. Bravo Leslie, for speaking up for us. And who does this judgemental woman think she is for going on Dr. Phil and bashing other parent's choices? We could just as easily judge her choice to go on the show and subject her kids to the "horrors" of television. I didn't see the show, but did they visit her home and meet her children? They ae probably scarred for life! I say that in jest, but seriously, come on people, let's get off the judgemental bandwagon! I completely agree that anyone who outright criticizes another woman's parenting style should have their parenting card yanked. We are all entitled our own opinion, but why not create a culture of support for other moms? I never thought I would be one, but when it happened, I was under the impression that I was joining and elite group of women who knew exactly how I was feeling and we could support each other. I had no idea that I would be thrown into a combat zone!
10.21.09
Leslie Morgan Steiner
Dear Workin It -- I totally understand your frustration with my book's title and subtitle, particularly the words "face off." It's just a title...and there is no facing off or judgment in the actual book. Just 26 wonderfully candid essays by 26 different moms. Titles are sometimes about marketing. If we had called this "26 Really Wonderful Mommies Tell You How Hard Motherhood Is" no one would have bought the book, I'm sorry to say.
10.21.09
Leslie Morgan Steiner
Kathleen -- I hear you. You are taking care of your family and child(ren) when you work. It dumbfounds me that providing longterm economic stability for our families is NOT seen as an essential ingredient of good parenting -- for moms, at least! Women are derided as "selfish" for the very qualities men are championed for. It makes absolutely no sense. Can you imagine a man being called selfish for getting up at 5:30 am to go to work to support his family? It just doesn't happen.
Keep up the good work! There are lots of us who admire working moms -- it's only a few flamethrowers who are so vocal about making us feel bad. There are 80 million different moms in the US and just as many approaches to raising mature, hardworking children and taking care of ourselves too.
10.21.09
Leslie Morgan Steiner
Kathleen -- I hear you. You are taking care of your family and child(ren) when you work. It dumbfounds me that providing longterm economic stability for our families is NOT seen as an essential ingredient of good parenting -- for moms, at least! Women are derided as "selfish" for the very qualities men are championed for. It makes absolutely no sense. Can you imagine a man being called selfish for getting up at 5:30 am to go to work to support his family? It just doesn't happen.
Keep up the good work! There are lots of us who admire working moms -- it's only a few flamethrowers who are so vocal about making us feel bad. There are 80 million different moms in the US and just as many approaches to raising mature, hardworking children and taking care of ourselves too.
10.21.09
Leslie Morgan Steiner
Kathleen -- I hear you. You are taking care of your family and child(ren) when you work. It dumbfounds me that providing longterm economic stability for our families is NOT seen as an essential ingredient of good parenting -- for moms, at least! Women are derided as "selfish" for the very qualities men are championed for. It makes absolutely no sense. Can you imagine a man being called selfish for getting up at 5:30 am to go to work to support his family? It just doesn't happen.
Keep up the good work! There are lots of us who admire working moms -- it's only a few flamethrowers who are so vocal about making us feel bad. There are 80 million different moms in the US and just as many approaches to raising mature, hardworking children and taking care of ourselves too.
10.21.09
As a working mom, I will admit that I get a little judgmental of totally overwhelmed stay-at-home moms. I remember from my four months of maternity leave how difficult staying at home can be--and I have tons of respect for people who choose to do it permanently. It's a demanding job! But don't complain about it all the time if it is a choice you've made. Because it is a choice. And if you hate it, then maybe you should look for a job.
Or am I being too harsh? I'm curious what you guys think.