My son asked me tonight what those scrinkly things are on my forehead. What skrinkly things? I asked, thinking I must have had something stuck to my face. I looked in the mirror and he pointed at the long vertical lines etched into my skin. Those, he said.

 

What do I want for Mother’s Day? I want Botox.

 

My daughter asked me last week if I would please not yell at her when I put her to bed that night.

 

What do I want for Mother’s Day? I want patience at eight-thirty p.m.

 

 

My husband asked me today if I remembered to call the vet to make an appointment for the dog. No, I said. I forgot. I also forgot to pay my daughter’s tuition for camp, which was due on Friday. I also forgot to send a birthday card to my sister-in-law. I also forgot to buy deodorant.

 

What do I want for Mother’s Day? I want an organizer that I won’t forget to use.

 

 

My friend is getting engaged, and asked if I would go with him to pick out a ring. I will, I told him, but I can only go on Wednesdays, between ten and ten forty-five. What do I want for Mother’s Day? I want free time.

 

 

I told myself that I am going to lose five pounds before summer, but I’ve had dessert every night this week.

 

What do I want for Mother’s Day? I want willpower.

 

 

I watched Newt Gingrich on The Daily Show the other day, grinning about the standoff between Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama.

 

What do I want for Mother’s Day? I want a Democratic nominee.

 

 

My husband told me this morning that he needs me to help out more, because he can’t work and take care of everything at home, too. I asked him who, he thinks, makes dinner? Who, he thinks, packs the kids’ lunches? Who makes their doctor and dentist appointments, and takes them to those appointments? Who buys the presents for their friends’ birthday parties? Who picks them up from school every day, and takes them to their after school activities? Who buys their clothes? Who makes sure Harper does her homework? Who does the grocery shopping? Who plans their playdates? Who gets their teachers gifts at the end of the year?

 

What do I want for Mother’s Day? I want a new husband.

 

 

My daughter is turning six in ten days. What do I want for Mother’s Day? I want to stop time.

 

 

My family asked me the other day, what do you want for Mother’s Day? Would you like a necklace with our names on them? A nice brunch at a hotel by the beach? How about a massage, or breakfast in bed? Yes, I said. Any of those things would be lovely.

 

What do I want for Mother’s Day? It doesn’t really matter. I’m not going to get it.