Correspondance From the Rear.

March 31st, 2009


Hello Ass,


- and I feel I can address you with the informal "ass" because I've known you for quite a long time-


I would like to ask you a simple question: What's your deal?


I've put off writing this letter because I kept feeling that things might improve on their own. Yes, I've had three children and sure until recently I've slacked off at the gym over the last months...okay years, but still. Why have you turned on me? What did I do - besides the occasional cookie binge - to make you go so completely soft on me?


Is it because I'm in my forties? Is that why you're mad? If so, I understand but I'd appreciate it if you'd find another way to communicate with me instead of just dimpling up in anger and losing any semblance of muscle tone. My stomach hasn't reacted this way so why you? My arms are hanging in there too. What makes you so special?


Is this about me not doing those Cardio Barre classes that I signed up for? Or maybe you're upset that I blew off the entire Pilates craze. But cut me some slack. Didn't I do the "Buns of Steel" video four or five times in the late 90's? Maybe that wasn't me. But, still I thought about it. And you can't argue that there have been tons of times I've found myself on all fours like a dog kicking my leg up in the air behind me in the most undignified fashion. That's called spot toning, Mr. Ass. I've also subjected myself to machines called Butt Blasters, tried good old fashioned jogging and drank more than my fair share of water from an Evian bottle that went everywhere with me (although I stopped short of buying one of those netted bottle holders -too corny) But you are refusing to do your part.


Although I've lost most of my pregnancy weight you will not allow me back into my prepregnancy jeans. At least not without a fight. When I do shove you into a pair, you stubbornly hang over the top in what we gals like to call a "muffin top." Sounds cute, Ass, but it's not. Trust me on this.


You can turn that feature off . . . under your application settings . . . for next time!! :P lol (I learned the hard way, too!!) :)


hahahahaha :D Still laughing out loud as the kids sleep . . . Thank You!! :) I was told I didn't have a butt 'till I had kids . . . but yeah . . . no one told me about the whole boob thing . . . would love to hear what that pair have to say . . . :) lol


Way too funny. But I have to admit that it makes me feel even more determined about my resolve to start running (i swear, i actually started last week, and the two days i didn't get up to run were my husband's fault). my butt is still doing ok...but after having a kid...why did my tummy decide to start sticking out further than my boobs? and after breastfeeing...WHERE DID MY BOOBS GO?!?!?!


Too funny - "cracked" me up. The butt is not as much of a problem for me, but the boobs are a whole different story. Breastfeeding 2 kids for a year meant the boobies went bye-bye. Not sure I'll ever get them back.


Great article! I think my ass liked it, too - it just posted the link to this article to its Facebook account. Jerk. Wonder what it meant by that little maneuver?


Wow! This column really kicks butt, the funniest Ive read so far! Thanks for the laughs! For what its worth, my butt isn't much better. In fact, my kids call me "matzah tuchas"--do you know what that is? Its a made up Jewish name for a flat butt, as in the flat unleavened cracker that Jews eat at Passover called matzah. In other words, I've got no butt to fill my jeans, so I feel your pain, but in a different way.