The Penis Problem.
We have a serious problem in our house lately. I call it The Penis Problem. The Penis Problem began a few months ago, when my three year-old son, Davis,started wearing underwear. Freed from the restrictive, super absorbent polymers of his diaper, Davis’s penis had some lost time to make up for, and it didn’t waste a second. Within two days of being potty trained, Davis’s hand took up permanent residence down the front of his pants, as if it were an old person who’d decided to head south and retire, where it was warm. After another few days, however, Davis did away with pants entirely, preferring instead to spend hisdays in a shirt and nothing else. The Why We Must Wear Pants to School discussion became a part of ourmorning routine, like eating breakfast and brushing teeth.
The moment he gets home from school, however, the pants come off. And I really do mean the moment he gets home from school. He literally walks in the front door, and before he does anything else, he sits down in the foyer, flings off his shoes and socks, and with great relief, pulls off his pants and underwear and leaves it all in a little boy-pile by the front door. If you saw this, you’d think the pants weighed five hundred pounds and were made of metal, or lined with thumbtacks,maybe. With the Penis flapping in the wind, he then goes off and builds forts with the sofa pillows, plays Power Rangers, creates Lincoln Log behemoths, and practices skateboarding tricks. When he tires of all of this activity, he likes to just walk around and “twirl” himself. As in, "Davis, what are you doing with your penis right now?" "I’m twirling it, mama. I like it." ‘Kay.
In the last several days, he’s also discovered that his penis can do “tricks.” For example, when he woke up the other morning, he was screaming for me to come into his room. When I arrived, breathless and thinking something horrible had happened, I found him still in bed, his pajama pants casually lying on the floor. "Look mama!" He shouted, pointing at his morning erection, which, apparently, he’d never noticed before. "My penis got big;it can do magic tricks!" Or, like the other night, when I was getting him ready for bed, he discovered that he could make it look like “a hot dog” if he pushed it back so that it retracted into the skin, which he found to be enormously hilarious.